I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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