if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize