Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
zippers are such a cool invention
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
