I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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