They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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