Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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