Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
