goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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