I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
