make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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