I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize
