Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
