then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
