Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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