If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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