In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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