i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
