Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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