He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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