How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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