He kissed a someone with a penis
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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