Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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