So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
