it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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