Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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