I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize