Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
