I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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