My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
