I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
How's work?
Spinning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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