Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
