Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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