I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
