Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
