This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize