Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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