I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize