Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
