Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
