i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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