Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
