Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
