That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
