I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
