you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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