I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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