the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
