We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
