Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
