All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
