Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
