his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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