im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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