I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
