and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
