If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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